If I could use one word to describe it, I choose authentic. I found I was able to let go of some people who I needed to stop carrying with me. I finally decided to let love into my life, accept it with grace. I took the daily writing prompts to heart, and had my own symbolic "letting go" ceremony.
A few days before the trip, I decided I wanted to stop pretending, stop putting up this facade that nothing is wrong. I had been "faking it 'til you make it" for too long, and I am just plain worn out. I'm sick of putting on this show - I want my insides to match my outsides.
When I first arrived, I felt strangely unsettled. I sent a text to my boyfriend: "I'm crying at Squam, what is wrong with me?" He helped me realize that there was such a disconnect between what I wanted to do and what I thought I should be doing, that I was creating an inner turmoil. So, I stopped trying. I took naps in my lovely room, snuggled up with all the extra blankets and pillows. I took a camp chair from the porch, and knit on the dock in the sunshine. I was gentle with myself. I gave myself permission to be.
I was finally able to give myself permission to feel how I feel, and after coming home, I feel better. It brought me clarity.
For me, Squam will always be brimming with healing energy and light. I can't wait to see what I learn next year!
